As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
