so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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