Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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