i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
