Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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