3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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