I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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