grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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