Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
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Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
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Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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