The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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