nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
