I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize