Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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