sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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