I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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