There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
