in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
