I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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