ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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