She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
