The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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