my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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