not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
