It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
