I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
