she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
