I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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