I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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