ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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