my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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