I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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