Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
