he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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