Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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