Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
