He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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