i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Randomize
