Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Randomize
