my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
