You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
