Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
