I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
