I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
