he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
