I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I love black thongs
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
