1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
