I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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