i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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