She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Found the puke drawer
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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