Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
