Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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