Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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