Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
