It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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