a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
