I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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