dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
