Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
