The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
