he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
